I think that for me, one of the worst things about being a new mom is the hormones. There are a lot of dumb men out there and probably women who’ve never birthed a child, who might try to belittle how crazy they make you, and instead blame you for your weird feelings. Which makes you think “Is it me after all? Maybe I am just insane…” BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU A CRAZY BITCH. And really none of what you think is true when you are having a ride on the hormonal roller coaster of emotions.
I have been PMSing for the last week, and nothing has ever made me feel more unstable. I will cry over a commercial. I cried when I watched Beyonce’s VMA performance two days ago. I wanted to cry every single day that Pam and George were here, for literally no reason at all.
My biggest issue right now is that I’m still “fat.” Fat for me, which means I’m regular size. Having a baby not only changes your life, but your whole body. There isn’t anything that is the same, honestly. I feel all stretched out and gross and as bloated as I felt when I was in my first two trimesters. None of my clothes fit. I have about three outfits in which I don’t feel completely hideous. I walk into my huge closet full of my pre-pregnancy clothes and just despair over them all. Getting dressed to go anywhere has made me want to full on sob under my covers and hide in my bed all day, but I do have this tiny human to care for, so I must keep it together!
The outside world doesn’t help either. TV and magazines and movies tell you that by the time my baby is 5 months, I should have lost this weight by now. Even after just two months post-partum, my dad pointed out I was still fat. Because that’s what the media tells him I should be like, and my mom probably lost weight instantly because she went right back to work doing physical labor. Don’t I have endless time to work out and eat healthy since I’m a stay at home mom? Well, no. I could probably make the time, but I really don’t know how. I’ve never had to work out before now, ever. I have literally never worked out in my life. And I’m trying slowly. But considering I have no endurance or muscle at all, it’s a little difficult to do anything for longer than ten to fifteen minutes.
It’s difficult to get my head around the fact that I’m not really thin anymore. That’s what people always expect from me, and it’s hard to let that part of me go for now. Because even if I worked out everyday, it would still take a while to lose the twenty eight pounds that didn’t budge after Hazel was born (even though I only gained 33.)
I didn’t mean to go on this long about my misery, but hey, it’s my blog so I can complain if I want to! Plus, because my hormones are so up and down, I am looking at Hazel right now playing by herself and laughing, and it’s making me laugh, too. Maybe I’ll feel normal again by the time she is a year old. I’ll be hoping.